My Story - From Victim to Victory

This blog is dedicated to all those who think talking about being vulnerable or emotional, about anxieties, fears and mental health issues, about depression, is being weak. As a part of my commitment to help make these conversations, NORMAL, neither shameful, nor brave, just NORMAL, I am sharing my story of DEPRESSION and EUPHORIA.  

Set me on fire, burn me to ashes, and every time, Like a Phoenix I shall rise.

The Mindset Having had quite a rough childhood with various painful experiences, I reached a stage during my teenage, where I made up my mind that I was not worthy of love and happiness at all. This mindset was an outcome of the personal losses, being violated sexually and exploited emotionally by multiple people around me. Though these people were far less than those who loved me and cared for me, but because no one said 'YOU MATTER', I assumed I did not. And this mindset stayed with me for a very very long time. It also ended up adding additional problems to my life, because I operated from the paradigm of 'I am not needed. I am not good enough'. I became a victim to everyone and every circumstance which took me into a downward spiral from one negative thought to another. It became my personality and I slowly started enjoying being pitied upon. I loved the attention I got when I was either sad, negative or sick. My 'I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH' mindset, made me believe that the only way I could get attention, and matter to someone was by being miserable. The Change Till there came a breaking point and like a tight slap on my face, I realized I need to own up my life, my choices, my mistakes, my miseries. I knew nothing could help change my past. But I also understood that if someone could help change my future, it was only and only me. I took control of my life and made some very tough decisions. Some decisions got me great results and some made me fall flat on the floor. Yet, somehow I did not become miserable again. Partly because I knew I had no one to blame, and partly because I had learned, being miserable won't get me anything positive. This change in mindset and outlook towards life, transformed my life. And the changes reflected in every aspect of it - emotional, financial, social, relationships, health, intelligence, spirituality... every single aspect of it. It was as if life was slowly coming on track and settling down for me. I was content of the roles I played and the contributions I made. I was less needy and more giving. I became lesser and lesser dependent on approvals and acknowledgments of the world. My inner circle, those who could make a big impact in my life, slowly shrunk and became very intimate. I was in a blissful mode.

The Depression And then out of nowhere, for no rhyme or reason, I became depressive. I vividly remember that night of 2016 April, when without any trigger whatsoever, all of a sudden, I began having anxiety attacks. It was something I had never seen, heard of, or experienced before. Not when I lost my mother, or my father. Not when I got divorced and was on the verge of losing my only son's custody battle, not when I escaped rape, or surrendered to marital rape... never. I had never experienced this ever. I would scream at the top of my voice, cry my guts out, pull my hair, scratch my skin, thump my feet on the floor. This went on for few minutes I am told till my son and my husband held me tight and calmed me down. They both were clueless of what happened and why I behaved the way I did. They carefully put me to sleep and remained watchful through the night. Next day, I woke up fine. Yet I wasn't sure what happened the night before and how someone like me (for the person I had become) could behave that way. So, I took a day off from work and for the first time ever, told my family to not contact me till I do, and walked out of the house. I had no idea where I was going, all I knew is I wanted to sit down and put my thoughts together. After some confusing decisions, I landed up in one coffee shop to another and all through the day, just kept writing. This has been my normal practice to organize my thoughts and to connect with my subconscious mind. But for the first time, I had no new answers, no new outcome. Nothing I could pin point and say this is why I feel this way.

The Healing After some reading on the internet and few discussions with my family, while the anxiety attacks continued and became worse, we concurred it appeared to be depression. We did not want to wait any bit and chose to see a psychologist. But the meeting was not fruitful. We met two of them and both of them could neither comprehend nor relate to my state. One even blamed me for it. And then we chose to contact my sister, my best friend. She found out and recommended a senior Psychiatrist in Fortis, Delhi and my journey to recovery began. Over the next month or so, I went through psychiatric assessments, and after a series of diagnostic counseling sessions, got diagnosed with anxiety driven clinical depression and, was put on medication, and weekly counseling sessions. On the other hand, my family rose up to the occasion like one should. They began understanding and observing the changes and identify and communicate the triggers whenever they could figure out one. They guided me through physical exercises without being pushy, heard me without reasoning what I said, re-created the entire environment of the house to soothe my surroundings, with calming music, aromatic scents, candles and more. My husband would hold my hand and sit beside me, guiding me through meditations, because I feared closing my eyes even for a moment. This was as difficult for them as it was for me. This went on for a little more than a year and I was slowly getting better. I had resumed work after few weeks itself and was contributing to my best. It neither impacted my work, nor my job, nor my relationships or my social circle. Almost all of my friends knew I was going through this, and each one of them wore the supportive robe. After around 9 or 10 months, I requested my counselor to stop the medication and she agreed. The counseling sessions continued till I felt the need and slowly diminished. The Logic What was most interesting about this journey was the reason. When I asked my counselor why she thought I got this now, when almost everything in my life was going so well, and not when I was actually going through hell multiple times in the past. Her response was - 'your brain has been overworked and too occupied handling one challenge after another. You practically had no space for yourself to pause, reflect on the past life and proceed. Your consistently challenging life, did not allow that space to you. So now, when your brain was relieved of solving problems and managing challenges, it went into a reflective mode and began to refresh all the past memories. So 25 to 30 years of painful memories attacking your mind all at once, created this situation.' The Euphoria I have come to believe that every dark cloud does have a silver lining. Just because we cannot see it, doesn't mean it doesn't exist. Sometimes it may be for us, at other times, our suffering may help save someone else from one. My biggest takeaway from the depressive phase was -- No matter what or who causes any stress for me, at a level that is beyond my capability to handle, (we all have a threshold, I learned about mine), that, simply goes out of my life. And any discussion, activity or relationship that brings no peace, no love, no compassion but only negativity, anger, hatred and descent, is simply not worthy of my time, energy and attention. The Lessons

• It is OK to be unwell mentally and it can be treated.
  

• You will not always have a reason to specify the cause.
  

• Help is around and available, we have to ask for it to receive.
  

• Like any other treatment, if I do not want to heal, I cannot. Internal willingness plays a vital role.
  

• Your support system becomes your strength. Don't wait for the harsh sun to go searching for shade. Plant a tree of mutual trust and non-judgemental acceptance today, so if and when need arises. you have your shade ready.
  

• Do not limit your need for support to the immediate family. Sometimes who can help us, sit outside of our closed inner circle.
  

• Invest in building your mental immunity just like you do for your physical self. Choose your thoughts, words, actions and surroundings carefully.
  

• Growth from being dependent to interdependent in relationships will take you a long way.
  

• Keep yourself actively engaged in an activity you connect the most with or are passionate about. Don't limit your life to earning and paying bills, cooking, feeding and cleaning.
  

The Path Ahead I am aware that not everyone has the kind of support system I was blessed with. Though I know I earned these relationships through love, compassion and dedication, they remain blessings without any doubt. The truth also is that not all will end up with that awakening 'tight slap' that I had. And so, I feel it is my duty and responsibility to give back to the world what I received and even that which I lacked.

#victimtovictorious #change #phoenix